Forgetting My Entitlements… Just for Today

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."  -Matthew 19:6

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. - Matthews 18:21-22

I can stop thinking about these verses that I have heard so many times. These and many others that have been laid out for me as one of the best guides to a fulfilled and joyful life.  When I break them down it all seems so clear; I should let no man separate my marriage, including the judge. I should not conform to wordly ideas of marriage by feeling entitled to have things a certain way and justifying leaving my marriage when it doesn't work out that way. Instead, I should focus on changing my mind to be more like Gods. And of course, that forgiveness bit always gets me. I should forgive… all the time. The instructions are clear but somehow so hard to put in to action when they should be.

Last night after typing away my very first blog post, I told my husband I had emailed an attorney I had been in touch with and that I planned to move forward with a legal separation. I saw him get angry, then sad, then defensive, and in between all of that I saw some remorse. No surprise. I've gotten similar responses before when I have talked of my desire to find happiness without him and his addiction induced chaos. The whole time he talked I told myself not to give in. I even forced myself to recount all the pain he has caused me. The nights I didn't know where he was. The insane amount of money disappearing from the bank accounts, that he felt no obligation to explain immediately. The lies. The unbearable loneliness that is felt, even when he is in the same room. The nights when I was weak from stress and hopelessness, so my boy would pat me on the back and tell me he wished I didn't have to cry. The pills. The aftermath I would find from a black-out drunken night…… The list goes on. I was dead set on being angry. I was entitled to it.

But I had trouble praying last night….as I have many other nights that I have felt so entitled to feel such negativity and anger towards him. In fact, while my husband has been out causing his whirlwind of chaos and separating himself  from God (his words), I'm allowing his actions to cause the same separation in my life.

So at the end of the conversation last night, my husband asked for time. Time to get in with a therapist (apt is today) and time to get back into the steps of A.A. (alcoholics anonymous). Time to get back to being the Godly man and leader he knows he is meant to be. I responded by saying I was willing to try. I gave up on my false entitlements. Maybe because I'm weak. Maybe because it's the right thing. But today, after getting the email back from the attorney stating my specific situation probably calls for a $10,000 divorce instead of the legal separation we had originally discussed, I think I made the right decision….. at least just for today.

-Nicole

The New Daddy

"I miss the old daddy, I don't like the new daddy."

The words pierced my heart and I quickly turned to see if he had felt the same hurt I did. It is a knee jerk reaction for me now. I'm always looking for a sign, ANY sign, that the man who used to bring so much joy to our family is still in there.

I think he felt it too. If he has any human left in him he HAD to feel it, but he quickly changed the subject to something that made our 5 year old forget that his daddy had let him down yet again. I sat quiet in thought for the rest of the ride to church. "Maybe he's so self absorbed he really doesn't feel hurt when he hears his son talk that way. And why is it o.k for him to brush off such comments without addressing his son's feelings? And why doesn't our son hold him more accountable?… Well I guess it's good that the little guy forgets and forgives so easily. Maybe I should be more like him. Gosh, I really wish I could be like our boy".

Over the years I've seen our son, Jake, pick up on several things that his daddy has done that are out of character. More recent, because he is older and more aware, he is taking things personally… and that hurts to see. While other children were happily celebrating New Years Eve with family, friends, blow horns, confetti, and yummy snacks, my Jake spent the evening saying things like, "I bet daddy doesn't want to be with us because we don't smoke. If we smoked I bet he would want to be with us", and "Why did daddy just not come to celebrate us, he can't love me. If he did, he wouldn't do that". I'm pretty sure I've never had a worse NYE. I sat with my children and my mother, me being 7 months pregnant, while my husband went out drinking to party with old friends. We'd been here before. I knew that my alcoholic/addict husband was back. All I could do was hope and pray he didn't do anything that I couldn't forgive. I didn't see my him again until late the next night.

On this particular day though, Jake was upset that we were made late (very late) to church because he daddy insisted on going to the outdoor room, starting the heater and letting it warm, then smoking a couple of cigarettes while the rest of us sat waiting in the car to leave. Twenty-five minutes later he hopped in and acted like it made complete sense to do what he did (even though he had known we were already running late to begin with) because after all, "it would be a while before he could smoke again". When Jake heard that response to our questioning his daddy's actions, he responded with that heart breaking statement at the top of this post.

While this scenario may not sound like a big deal, in our Christian based home, this attitude is alarming and shocking to us all. The "old daddy" hates being that late (30 minutes to be exact) and certainly would never be so insensitive to his son being upset about the situation. You see, the old daddy doesn't smoke. In fact, the old daddy is slow to take his children anywhere where there will be smoking or drinking. He is eager to get to church to see friends and to be social. He drops to his knees every night and every morning to pray to the God he loves and teaches his children to love. He comes home at night, as every spouse should.

But the old daddy isn't here right now. I swear it feels like we are living with his evil, anti-social, selfish and insensitive twin, whom Jake referenced as "New Daddy". I know this daddy as the "Addict Daddy". He comes around once a year for a period of time, usually the duration of winter, and turns our lives upside-down for a bit. And every time I finally reach a breaking point, the point I'm at now. All I can do is pray and write….. and wait for the attorney to call me back while I secretly hope God works on my husbands heart and restores him to us before then.

I can't bear facing the path ahead alone, so I'll come here and write and hopefully some of you who have trudged this dreaded path will want to share your experience of life, love and laughter (or even the lack thereof) with your addict. I sure could use some hope and encouragement but would love to hear anything you have to share :)

-Nicole