So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." -Matthew 19:6
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. - Matthews 18:21-22
I can stop thinking about these verses that I have heard so many times. These and many others that have been laid out for me as one of the best guides to a fulfilled and joyful life. When I break them down it all seems so clear; I should let no man separate my marriage, including the judge. I should not conform to wordly ideas of marriage by feeling entitled to have things a certain way and justifying leaving my marriage when it doesn't work out that way. Instead, I should focus on changing my mind to be more like Gods. And of course, that forgiveness bit always gets me. I should forgive… all the time. The instructions are clear but somehow so hard to put in to action when they should be.
Last night after typing away my very first blog post, I told my husband I had emailed an attorney I had been in touch with and that I planned to move forward with a legal separation. I saw him get angry, then sad, then defensive, and in between all of that I saw some remorse. No surprise. I've gotten similar responses before when I have talked of my desire to find happiness without him and his addiction induced chaos. The whole time he talked I told myself not to give in. I even forced myself to recount all the pain he has caused me. The nights I didn't know where he was. The insane amount of money disappearing from the bank accounts, that he felt no obligation to explain immediately. The lies. The unbearable loneliness that is felt, even when he is in the same room. The nights when I was weak from stress and hopelessness, so my boy would pat me on the back and tell me he wished I didn't have to cry. The pills. The aftermath I would find from a black-out drunken night…… The list goes on. I was dead set on being angry. I was entitled to it.
But I had trouble praying last night….as I have many other nights that I have felt so entitled to feel such negativity and anger towards him. In fact, while my husband has been out causing his whirlwind of chaos and separating himself from God (his words), I'm allowing his actions to cause the same separation in my life.
So at the end of the conversation last night, my husband asked for time. Time to get in with a therapist (apt is today) and time to get back into the steps of A.A. (alcoholics anonymous). Time to get back to being the Godly man and leader he knows he is meant to be. I responded by saying I was willing to try. I gave up on my false entitlements. Maybe because I'm weak. Maybe because it's the right thing. But today, after getting the email back from the attorney stating my specific situation probably calls for a $10,000 divorce instead of the legal separation we had originally discussed, I think I made the right decision….. at least just for today.
-Nicole
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